You know, it’s funny, because when I look at my life – work, school, blogging, podcasting, big immediate family – I wonder how on earth I have time for relationships myself. But I do think, for me, it’s because when I’m with someone I make them enough of a priority that I will make time for them. I don’t judge others who don’t, but personally, I like to spend time with the person I’m seeing: it makes me happy, and I think that’s good for everyone. I can’t remember exactly what in your comment prompted me to think of that, but somewhere in there it did. Oh, it must have been about your experience of younger women being busier.

Oh, and the “at a push 50″; my most recent partners have been well into their fifties. So, it’s not so much of a push any more.

When I was an immature youth I and the girls I went out with were mostly unable to talk properly about feelings and about needs and the ending of relationships was invariably very messy, angry and confusing. I would often be left with no real understanding of what had gone wrong.

I’ve been single, after a long marriage, for 20 years. I’m 62. My lovers since then have ranged from age 20 to age 50, the most recent being the oldest. The 20 year old and another aged 28 both ended our relationship by simply not returning calls. No explanation was ever offered. The other relationships, which were all with women over 30, ended reasonably amicably, inasmuch as whilst there may have been a short hiatus while we sorted ourselves out, we then remained friends. I’m going to the cinema with one of them, aged 36 now I think, next week and we’re great mates.

I have been able to talk about feelings and needs with most of my lovers and that makes such a difference. Gone are the anxieties of youth. If there’s something we want or that we’re unhappy about we talk about it openly and directly, rather than dropping hints or saying nothing and resenting.

The major difference between my experiences and what you’ve talked about is that in probably about half of my relationships with younger women the woman has been either cheating on her partner or ‘on a break’ while she decides if she wants to stay in a long term relationship. As a result I have often been what I have described as a transitional lover. I seem to be a safe bet, someone who will offer affection and a positive ear, and, perhaps most of all, someone who won’t rock the boat. In other words I won’t ask for too much and I won’t rat on her when the relationship ends, as they all have.

Typically, my relationships last between 3 and 6 months and then, almost invariably, the woman returns to her partner or commits to him if she hasn’t separated before. One decided to have children. Another decided to get married. At one point I started to think I was performing a public service.

Two weeks ago I ended a 6 month relationship with a beautiful and very sexy woman of 50. She had divorced her husband a year ago but was still living with him as he had nowhere else to go. He knew she was seeing me. We had a fabulous physical relationship that had a lot of potential and we had a lot in common intellectually and socially. There were differences, but generally we were great together. And then I started to get stronger feelings. It was almost like being on a grotesque see-saw. The closer I got the more she withdrew. I knew she wasn’t ready for any kind of commitment; she was honest enough to say that from the start. I wasn’t looking for commitment either, in the sense of living together or (God forbid!) marriage, but I did want something more and I didn’t think it was ever going to happen. So I probably panicked a bit (is it possible to panic a bit?) and felt I had to end it. I miss her a lot. We don’t see each other or talk, but I’m hopeful that when the hurt settles we will be friends.

I’ve gone on too long and probably rambled. The difference I was alluding to earlier is, I think, that for me it’s the younger woman who is often busy with work, or family, or a partner, whereas the older man, me, has his life organised well enough to be able to make time for the things I want to do and the people I want to spend time with. Maybe it’s simply because in your case the relationships have been between a woman in her 20′s (?) and a man in his 30′s or 40′s, 50 at a push, with a family and a career to focus on. In my case it’s been women from 20′s to late 30′s (mainly) seeing a man over 50 and now 60 who knows what he wants to prioritise.

I haven’t found out in any depth what happened to most of the woman who returned to their partners, although I know one of them has had 3 children, so hopefully she’s happy. But I fear for the long-term happiness of most of them. As you do for some of the men you’ve met. They all seemed to be unhappy, despite very full and often successful lives.

Best wishes.
J

I had a relationship with someone 30+ years my senior when I was 20. He was much more settled, balanced, his life was arranged as he wanted and I struggled to find a place I’d fit. And so I bowed out.

Last year he had a heart attack and I had an emotional reaction that led to me reconnecting more personally. However, there still wasn’t space for me in his life to the degree that I wanted and so I had to back off.

On the other side, I’ve met many men, and one in particular who seems more honest than most, who are unhappy in their relationships, but choose to stay with them.

Their decision is their own, and I’m thankful that they’re honest enough to admit to their situation. But I do feel for them.

Again, one in particular seems unhappy, and I’ve had to work to disconnect and reconnect on the friend level because although I know they are unhappy as they are, they would be equally unhappy with me at this moment in time.

It’s hard, when you feel a connection with someone, to back off and take the friend role because you know, in your heart, that whilst what they have isn’t what they want, they need to experiment and decide what it is they want.

And I’ve found this in men from 18 to 58. If you’re with somebody for a long time, another person may give you the incentive to leave or think, but it doesn’t mean you want to be with them.

Because we can connect with people nowadays through so many different mediums, its easy to form a bond, and to think that bond means more than it does. Sometimes, you’re just a friend who gives the means to escape.

And it’s that juggling between friends, friends with benefits, men with benefits, men who only want the benefits… That’s what I struggle to get my head around.

And having (thanks to the Internet) a pool that ranges from 18 to 68, I don’t think it’s just age that influences it. I know 26 yr olds who act like 50 yr olds and 66 yr olds who act like 18 yr olds.

It really is about each person and how the two of you react/interact