Where the Creative Networking Nights provide a wonderful opportunity to make friends and exchange business cards, due to the social atmosphere it can be hard to get into serious discussion about art and about the industry we are working within. On Saturday (25th August), in a more conversation-friendly setting, the seven of us – a mixture of photographers, artists, writers, and even a fine woodworker – were able to talk, in depth, about a range of different subjects including marketing strategies, adult content warnings and the difference between erotica and pornography. Coming away, with a page of notes and some interesting connections, I felt both inspired and more aware of what it means to work in the erotic industry.

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All human beings are born free and equal (in dignity and rights).

This opening line is, of course, extremely important. The question of freedom is one that I have discussed here at great length, on several occasions, and it is something that many people devote many hours to in consideration, particularly as concerns situations where the expression of one person’s freedom impedes another’s. Which is why what follows this first line is so important:

All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.

The latter sentence suggests to me a particular kind of responsibility, and to my mind, nowhere is this responsibility so apt as in freedom of speech. When I’m writing articles (rather than fiction) I spend a lot of time considering how best to express what I have to say in a way that is neutral and discussable rather than offensive and provocative. Of course, this is something I do out of choice; I have the freedom to choose how to write and how to express myself.

With that in mind, do we, in fact, have any right to censor or condemn those who choose to express themselves with less care?

Just before the weekend Discerning Dom wrote a piece called ‘No Limits‘ which earned him a barrage of comments from disgruntled and offended readers, myself included. Generally speaking I am an avid reader of his blog; it is regularly insightful, oftentimes exciting, and DD himself is an elusive man which lends a sense of mystery to his writing. But I, as a reader, a submissive, a masochist and a writer, have also come to rely on a certain amount of level-headed good sense in his articles.

As a writer I feel that DD is particularly good at blurring the lines between his fantasies, his memoirs and his thoughts on BDSM. For the most part this is done quite seamlessly and it simply makes the reading experience richer. However, with ‘No Limits’ I felt this line blurring became less elusive and more irresponsible.

In the first paragraph he writes:

And while she was suffering, whimpering and wriggling, we had a most interesting conversation about safe words. I haven’t got one, she said (‘Can I take the clamps off now? Please?’ ‘No.’)

From the moment I read this, I felt uneasy. Of course it is completely up to DD and his partner how they choose to play; if it’s consensual then, to my mind, it is their decision. However, the way that sentence is constructed – “And while she was suffering […] we had a […] conversation about safe words” – hit a nerve with me. It seems to suggest that the question of safe words had never come up before. Again, everyone has the right to play in whatever way they want to, but as the piece goes on and the pair discuss limits, DD begins to draw some pretty clear boundaries, and lay them down as though they are absolute truths:

Let me explain, I said, being a reasonable man. You are my submissive, right? Yes. That means you will always do what I say. You have agreed never to say no to me. OK, she said. Submission that draws a line and says no further isn’t really submission at all, I said.

At this point, as someone who engages in dominance and submission, I felt my freedom had been somewhat impinged upon. DD is clearly a seasoned dominant as well as a knowledgeable writer, and personally I feel that these two things give him a voice or, at the very least, a tone of authority; so when I read his ideas and his thoughts on D/s, I take notice because I feel fairly sure he knows what he’s talking about. I think for a blog that does very little self-promotion, he is very well read; his pieces get a fair few comments and he seems to have a group of ardent followers. This suggests to me that I am not the only one who trusts his words, nor the only one who promotes his blog. So you can imagine how these words, coming from someone whose authority I usually trust, felt like an attack on my freedom to submit in whatever way my partners and I choose. The closest simile I can get is this: imagine you fall in love and then you go and see your therapist and s/he tells you you’re not in love.

Furthermore, reading the above section I couldn’t help but feel worried; had I read it two years ago, maybe even a year ago, I would probably have been far less skeptical and perhaps even adopted his apparent devil-may-care attitude towards safe words. To me that is a frightening idea, particularly when followed by sentences like:

That’s what submission is all about. It’s about giving in, not about negotiating.

And:

A submissive who isn’t a little bit scared isn’t really a submissive at all.

I find his ‘this is the only way to do kink’ use of language deeply unsettling. Not only is it irresponsible in regards to his readers, but it is also disrespectful to dominants and submissives who choose to play or interact differently. If he had simply taken the time and forethought to premise these sentences with “the way I play” or “in my personal opinion” (for example) none of what he wrote would have offended me.

As I mentioned, I am not the only one who commented on DD’s piece negatively, and I have discussed it with others as well; different people had slightly different takes on it, and I’d urge you to go and read their comments as well. But I also think it is important that I direct you to DD’s rebuttal. Reaffirming his own sanity and level-headedness, DD wrote a second piece – in response to our comments – which did allay several of my own fears:

I think that if you read the blog as a whole it’s pretty clear I am not a psycho and that I don’t advocate abusing women, no matter how submissive.

This is true. I have read his blog for a long time and this is the first time I have ever felt uneasy about something he has written. He also mentioned that his partner was not in the room with him in the scene he describes in ‘No Limits’ which, I’ll agree, does make a difference; I have played a lot online but have never felt the need to use safe words in that setting due to the fact that there is only a limited amount of power you can give up over the internet. However I don’t think that was made explicitly clear in his original piece. He goes on to explain the level of trust he and his partner share:

And because she trusts me she is willing to dispense with various props like safe words.

Recently someone described consent to me as something that can evolve into trust; where you might first have a list of things you consent to, over time, as the relationship you share with the other person evolves, the list gives over to your trust that the other person won’t hurt you. Although it is perhaps worth mentioning that I still felt a little irritated by his careless use of the word “props” to describe safe words. I know for a fact that many people don’t consider safe words “props” so much as they do essential foundations. But again, that is really up to the discretion of whoever is playing.

In this second piece DD also defended himself on the basis that he does not, nor has he ever claimed to, write an instructional BDSM blog; in fact, his blog has the word “memoirs” in the title. Whilst that is unequivocally true, I think the following comment, posted on DD’s rebuttal, illustrates pretty well that his blurred non-fiction style does sometimes read like advice or guidance on BDSM:

I have just read you last posting and as a very new sub I agree with what you have said it is your views and anyone reading should either go away if they don’t like what they see and read or like me read and say thank you because reading your blog is what has helped me with what for me was a very difficult time and transition. so thank you for your help.

Personally I think this comment speaks for itself, so I’ll let it do just that.

But I have hugely digressed. Whilst DD’s piece does beg discussion, is for me only one example of what might be considered ‘careless’ writing, and when I come back to this point, I have real trouble justifying my complaints. After all, what I would like to champion overall is everyone’s freedom to make their own choices. What is most important to me is that DD – and all other writers for that matter – has the freedom to write his blog, be it fantasy, memoir, or advice, in whatever way he likes.

However, blogging and commenting are communal activities, so while he has the right to write what he chooses, if the comments are left open, we, the readers, have the right to comment as well, and I have said many times that, for me, discussion and debate are the most rewarding parts of blogging.

So perhaps it is just that; whilst each writer has the right to publish whatever s/he chooses, s/he also has a responsibility to do so consciously, and if the author chooses to waive that responsibility or genuinely doesn’t see what in their writing might be offensive, the responsibility then falls to us, the readers, to respond.

Which is exactly what I have done.

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Oh where do I begin!

Like many of the people who could be found at Armada House, Bristol on Saturday 3rd March, I had been looking forward to Eroticon 2012 for close to a year. That is quite some build up! And with the amount of hype and excitement that preceded it, the bar was high.

Organised, hosted, run, (and many other verbs) by Ruby Kiddell, the day was divided into sessions, the topics of which ranged from Identity and Ethics, to Publishing, to Photography, to Podcasting, to Writing itself – the whole schedule is still up on the site for the time being, – and between which there was plenty of time to meet and talk to the other delegates.

I personally attended: Identity, ethics and sex blogging (Zoe Margolis, Lori Smith, Molly Moore, Mina Lamieux), Writing workshop (Maxim Jakubowski), Convincingly queer, writing beyond our experience (Aisling Weaver, Josephine Myles), Publishers panel (Hazel Cushion, Maxim Jakubowski, Paul Andrews, Monique Roffey, Richard Eadie), and Sex and the media (Lori Smith, Zoe Margolis, Rubyyy Jones, Matt Bateman).

All of the sessions either brought up topics which I will discuss in articles to come, or provided me with insights which I hope will enhance my writing in general.

The day ended, for everyone, with a demonstration from London Faerie on Sacred Kink, wherein he “whipped [Lori Smith] into a state of ecstasy’; I’m paraphrasing but I believe that is how he himself described it. After a day of thought-provoking discussion and debate, this was not only an incredible experience, but also a welcome relief. But I don’t think anyone quite expected what they saw. Watching the demonstration was deeply affecting, not to mention the intensity of sharing that experience with the rest of the audience. The whole room took on a strange kind of quiet focus wherein we were all drawn into their connection and what they were, so kindly, sharing with us. I think also, on a more political level, it is always good when a large number of people are able to see the consent, the intimacy, and the enjoyment of both parties when they engage in this kind of socially transgressive play.

As I have mentioned, Eroticon not only sparked great discussion and ideas, but brought a lot of people together, and I was thrilled to meet so many erotic artists whom I have admired, followed, and read for so long: I was thrilled to meet Aisling Weaver and Wyeth Bailey and get, well, never enough, but a significant amount of time to talk with them. It was also a delight to meet the illustrious Mina Lamieux. Of course, many of the usual Erotic Meet crowd were there, which is always a delight, and I also spent a lot of the day with the people behind Something Dark magazine – to which you can now find a permanent link in my sidebar. There were so many people there, many of whom I am now sharing my twitter timeline and my email inbox with, that I couldn’t possibly name them all now! but if you visit Write Sex Right, you will find links to many of their own accounts of Eroticon.

As I left Bristol, riding back to London late on Saturday night, one phrase continued to circle in my head: “Eroticon needed to happen”. It needed to happen because you can never have too much support and inspiration as a writer; it needed to happen because erotic writers need an excuse to get together; and most of all it needed to happen because we are all writing outside what is socially accepted. We are all pushing boundaries and making use of our freedom of speech. And to see so many other people in exactly the same situation as ourselves was empowering, inspiring, and incredibly comforting. I have never felt so at home with a group of strangers.

Finally, I would like to raise a metaphorical toast to Ruby: Eroticon went far beyond any expectation. It was perfectly organised, allowing us all room to grow and learn. A spectacular event, hosted with professionalism and style. My mind is still reeling. And I sincerely hope that it happens again. To Ruby!

The post Eroticon 2012 In Review appeared first on (It Girl. Rag Doll).

My top five reasons readers should comment on blogs, rather than just read and leave, or read and tweet a nod of approval, or read and email, or any variation of the above.

These are my top five reasons readers should comment ON the actual post they have read. (In no particular order.)

Discussion.
One of the best things about the interweb is the ability to discuss all topics with all kinds of different people. And whilst there are plenty of platforms for this, I find comment streams to be the most interesting. Writing spawns ideas, and ideas spawn discussion. So get involved! And I encourage this even on my fiction. If you want to critique or draw out ideas, I’d be only too pleased.

Promotion.
When I was trying to gather readers and break into the erotic writers’ circle (as I like to think of it), the inimitable Roger Steiner told me to go and comment on other blogs. And sure enough, it does work spectacularly well as self-promotion. It may not be true of everyone, but it seems that many blog readers are also writers themselves. Or at least tweeters, or the like. Commenting on blogs is an excellent way to get your name out there.

Inspiration.
I cannot count the number of times a comment has inspired me to write! Horny comments push me to smut, and insightful comments make me ponder things and write more articles. If you’re enjoying a blog, you should comment in order to inspire more writing. Furthermore, many bloggers are open to suggestion – particularly bloggers whose writing is of an erotic nature – so actually commenting significantly ups your chances of getting what you want.

Promotion.
Again. Except this time I’m talking about promoting the work you’re reading. Whilst I try to give each blog I come across a fair try when I discover it, blogs that are regularly commented on especially pique my interest, for the obvious reasons: if others are reading and commenting, the writer must have something to say. And so I might be more willing to spend longer looking for the angle than I would with a blog that was never read. This might seem a little short sighted (which, incidentally, I am) but there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to read every blog I come across. There has to be some method of weeding out the weak.

Appreciation.
Most bloggers are writers who can’t live off their writing, even though they might like to. While the vast majority of us would continue writing regardless of whether anyone was reading or not – it’s like an obsessive disorder; I live to write – there is something to be said for the fact that we provide a lot of writing you consider worth reading, and thus, a little nod of approval, a few words, a thumbs up, would sure be appreciated. Like everyone else, we just want to be loved!

Of course, I’ll look like a real fool if no one comments on this. But then, maybe I’ll take it as a sign that I should step up my game.

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